The Greased Pig Caper

Scenes 49 frames

Lyrics as sung in the video

[Intro] This is just a story 'bout a boy, a pig, and an idea that should've died young. [Verse 1] There was a boy in high school who was always chasing laughs, He never did things halfway and he never thought things past. He bought a little feeder pig and three whole pounds of lard, Then found a jar of rotten shad that hit the senses hard. In Mama's yellow rubber gloves he stirred that awful brew, And rubbed it on that little pig from snout to curly-Q. [Verse 2] He gagged while he was mixing it, but never changed his plan, 'Cause common sense ain't common in a teenage country man. A buddy had a pickup and two more agreed to ride, Not one among that brain trust said, "Let's leave that pig outside." They crated up that slippery hog and headed off to school, 'Cause one dumb boy is dangerous, but four can break the rules. [Chorus] Oh, that greasy pig went slidin', squealin', skatin' down the hall, Kids were gaggin', girls were screamin', lunch trays hit the wall. He'd scramble left, he'd slide to right, he'd spin and lose control, Four little feet were churnin', but they couldn't get a hold. There ain't much traction on a hog when wax and lard combine, On the day that greasy pig got loose at lunchtime. [Verse 3] They backed the truck up to the door just as the lunch bell rang, They cracked the crate and out that greasy little piglet sprang. Faster than castor oil, that whole lunchroom came undone, Girls climbed tables, boys hit doors, and everybody run. His feet were runnin' ninety but his body lagged behind, Like a four-legged hockey puck that smelled like something died. [Verse 4] Then came the biology man with dignity of steel, Pressed-up slacks and polished shoes to bring that hog to heel. Black-rimmed glasses, pocket pens, his shirt was snowy white, He looked exactly like a man who'd surely set things right. He grabbed; the pig shot through his legs. Before he even thought, He wiped his hands on shirt and pants...then smelled what he had caught. [Chorus] Oh, that greasy pig went slidin', squealin', skatin' down the hall, Kids were gaggin', girls were screamin', lunch trays hit the wall. He'd scramble left, he'd slide to right, he'd spin and lose control, Four little feet were churnin', but they couldn't get a hold. There ain't much traction on a hog when wax and lard combine, On the day that greasy pig got loose at lunchtime. [Verse 5] An old farm-handed dogcatcher finally joined the chase, He took one look around him like, "What happened to this place?" Nobody knows just how he did it; those boys were long since gone, But somehow he arrested that poor pig before too long. The principal asked questions till one nervous fellow cracked, And in a tale about a squealin' pig, a boy squealed on the pack. [Verse 6] The mastermind stepped forward, took the blame and heard him say, "Young man, we'd all be grateful if you finished school away." A week went by; the paper asked who owned that little swine, But nobody claimed the prisoner, so he kept on doing time. The boy had joined the Air Force, took his GED just fine, Then shipped to basic training while his classmates stood in line. [Final Chorus] Oh, that greasy pig went slidin', squealin', skatin' down the hall, Kids were gaggin', girls were screamin', lunch trays hit the wall. Pig got jailed, the boy got bounced, and somehow both survived, One stayed locked behind a fence, one marched away with pride. And after all that chaos, all that rotten shad and grease, The Air Force picked that young man's brand-new specialty... [Stop] They trained him to be a COP. [Outro] Nobody ever claimed the pig. Poor little feller. Come to think of it... He was probably the innocent one.

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